Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
