I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize