Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
