i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
