Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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