her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
