He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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