just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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