So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
