I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
