I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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