Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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