I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
