the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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