Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
