I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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