she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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