I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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