I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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