I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
