Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
