shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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