He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
