and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
