How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
As shirtless as possible
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
