Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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