I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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