Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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