Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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