I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
