Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
