I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
