Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
