atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
