I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
