Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
