We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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