wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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