I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
