Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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