Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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