The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
