I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
