I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
