conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
