one two three fourrrrnication!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My dick has a subreddit
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
