So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
