you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
