My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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