the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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