what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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