Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
