Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just found a bag of teeth...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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