If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
