How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize