i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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