I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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