We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
