I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
