Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
