i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
All I want is dick and wine.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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