it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize