I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
